Polyamory-Related Books

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Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth

Brad Blanton, Ph.D.

Dell Trade Paperback

Some people read books on relationships in order to find one true path to making relationships work. They want to be told how to make their relationships work and to move on. Others read books on relationships in order to hear other peoples opinions of these things, hoping to be challenged, and to see how other people think about these things, and through that self-examination, learn something, which may actually lead to better relationships, or other forms of better self-knowledge.

In more ways than one, Radical Honesty is definitely a book for the latter category of people.

On one level, Radical Honesty is a radical book. It has a clear voice, you can almost hear the author speak, and his opinions are both clear and often challanging. I don't happen to agree with everything Blanton says in his book, and I'd be surprised if you did either. But there's a great deal of good material here. And I'm not sure one should agree with everything in almost any book. One of the reasons that I prefer books with a clear authorial voice is that it encourages the reader (or at least it encourages me) to consider the ideas being talked about more carefully.

On a second level, adopting a centered point of view, a point of view which comes from within yourself, is one of the central tenants of Radical Honesty. As we go through life, we spend a lot of time arranging ourselves to fit the molds that society and other peoples opinions shape for us. Blanton says, don't do this. Be yourself, be initimate with the world in the sense of not hiding important pieces of yourself under any circumstances. And he makes convincing cases that reflect a lot of my own experience.

The book covers quite a bit of interesting material about how these experiences shape our society. Here's an example:

A law school education emphasizes the idiocy already built in by the culture. Law school begins with memorizing torts--formally learning the cases from the past and the principles they represent--and it gets worse as it goes on. After three years of law school a graudate usually takes the next step toward a law career: the bar exam for which he or she has to take a cram course to memorize cases, principles, generalizations, and values. When the exam is administered, the potential member of the bar knows in advance that he or she must score in the upper fifty percent of those taking the exam or fail. In the District of Columbia, if you are in the lower half of the group, but close to the cut-off, you may appeal your grade and request that your paper be regraded. However, they will not tell you the new grade until after the next bar exam has been administered. If you want to be sure you can go to work as a lawyer, you had better take the exam again even though you may have passed already. This is to teach you a lesson: do what you're told, no matter how ridiculous or unfair, if you want to be a lawyer. This continues, year after year, with the only apparent purpose being to make sure that you have really learned to kiss ass in the culturally approved way.

Having passed tha bar, if you are a high achiever, you then typically do a three- to seven-year stint of working 70 to 80 hours a week trying to "make partner." After you have proven, through many additional trials, that you have learned to kiss ass in all circumstances, you may make partner. By the time you make partner you are a workaholic, so you keep up the pace out of habit, but also because you don't know what in the hell else to do in life but work and count principles.

This it the group from which we choose our political representatives....

See what I mean? Strong authorial voice, strong opinions, stuff to think about. There are several other excellent bits that you might not expect in this book from its title.

There's a nice couple of pages that talk about labels that should be required reading for anyone who, like myself, has ever had to deal with, or even had to deal with people dealing with the issues of the labels that are used to describe sexual orientation. I could quote passages from that at the bisexual discussion group I often facilitate to good effect, and I suspect I'll be doing just that in the future.

Although this book is not about polyamory directly, polyamory does involve a lot of radical truth-telling, and this book is common in parts of the poly community. And, there is one reference to the concept of polyamory (different word, but the idea is clear) that I think explains his own opinion on the subject of polyamory well:

Wether you are monogamous or polygamous is not the most crucial factor in having a successful couple. Whether or not you tell the truth is. [empahsis on this sentence his]

Mary Dillingham (mdillydally69 (@) yahoo.com) rated rated this book a 10 (Best Book Available on the Subject) and said:

About 7 years ago I caught the tail end of a local Atlanta radio station and Brad. The call was ended, the DJ's could not imagine telling the truth. I bought "How to transform your life by telling the truth" that day.

I am 48 going on 16, I live at The Grove Resort, A Unique All Adult Resort in the North Georgia Mountains. I am a nudist and have lived here for almost 3 years- I supported our resignation from AANR when we were being judged by them for openly and actively marketing to all lifestyles.

Yee Haw! We tell The Naked Truth!

An incredibly free, creative, accepting, joyous, generous, beautiful world I live in and am proud of this future I helped build.

I write The Naked Truth newsletter and am activities director. I founded The Naked Truth Art Gallery, The Moonlight Monty Talent Showcase for performances at The Hole, our Ampitheater. Truth or Consequence Mystery Dinner Theater...

I tell our guests that I am not a swinger but that one day I might sway... (Last weekend I skipped and I asking opinions if that means I'm changing!)

My point is - by practising Radical Honesty I have saved myself - and come to many conclusions, among them...

I get back the honest I give and for the first time in my life I can use a word I could not before - I have friends.

What I am feeding my future from those around me is an exchange of pure-rich-inspiration and accomplishment - no bullshit, no excuses.

No gossip, politics, jealousy, shame, blame... ( I do worry about the Democrats always chasing me but I try to keep it to myself!)

Having always sworn that I would never be in service to anyone I find that I am! I truly believe that my contribtuion to the spirit at The Grove and our guests may save the world.

The Truth? The Lifestyle? Being Naked?

Freedom comes from refusing to hide!

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If the Buddha Dated:
A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path

Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D.

Penguin/Arkana

Charolette Kasl's "If the Buddha Dated..." is a fascinating spiritual take on advice on every stage of relationships from dating to marriage. Kasl draws her spiritual ideas from a number of sources, starting with Buddhism but also ranging from The Society of Friends (the Quakers) to the Sufi path. The breadth of her references almost seem to prove the timelessness of many of her points.

A primary theme of If the Buddha Dated... is that spirituality is a path for assessing what is going on inside of your own heart, and that that knowledge allows you to maintain yourself within the context of a relationship.

There are a lot of gems here. Sections on "Making Friends" with your fears and ambivalence are good introductions to using ones own unpleasant feelings (perhaps jealousy?) as a road to revelation. And "What's that Buzzing in My Brain?" would be excellent reading for those moments when NRE ("New Relationship Energy") overwhelms and obsesses us.

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Open Marriage

Nena O'Neill
George O'Neill

M. Evans & Co.

Open Marriage is truly a landmark book. In 1972 it provided one of the first roadmaps toward having relationships which have some of the principles that some of us take for granted today--and I'm not just talking about polyamory here.

The main point of this book is that a truly successful, fully actualized marriage requires a relationship in which each partner has a sense of individual identity, isn't constrained by the social patterning of standard gender roles, may want a certain amount of privacy, and so on.

Independence, and mutual respect for each others independence, form a basis for a trusting relationship of equals, which promotes trust and emotional intimacy. And, as more of a logical consequence than a central point, they suggest that relationships can go on to allow the people in it to have other loving and or even sexual partners in some cases.

The O'Neills saw, as I do, loving other people outside of a primary relationship as an extension of the natural evolution of relationships. All and all, an excellent book well worth reading for polyamorous and monogamous people alike.

A reader writes: Jennifer Gates' book, Survivors of an Open Marriage, is the autobiographical account of a decade-long open marriage that came about as the direct response to reading George and Nena O'Neill's book on Open Marriage. It's often explicit, sometimes surprising, and brutally honest. [The reader also rates the Gates book an 8 (Excellent).]

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